Yes, I could tell you all those things... but instead, I will tell you the truth.
Being in Haiti is not always easy. There are days when I get so frustrated at wishing I had more to offer, days where I compare myself to the people who have been here for months and find myself falling short There are days when I complain far too much about the heat. There have been days when a pepto bismol commercial lists everything I am feeling in it's jingle. There are days that I can't take a joke or days where I am quick to speak in anger. There are days I can't get a needle in a vein (which any nurse can attest to being frustrating!) There are days I forget to be thankful at all.
I am in constant need of God's abundant, beautiful grace.
I was sick halfway through this past week, and as always seems to happen, my heart faltered when my health did. To me, sickness was a physical representation of failure, and that perspective poisoned my attitude. To top it all off, while I slept off my nausea, a mosquito (or a whole mosquito army!) chose to make a snack out of me! (So to everyone who thinks tropical temperatures are dreamy, remember they come with a cost!)
Yep, that happened. Now, I hate bug bites not only because of the itch, but also because I become so self conscious of how my skin looks. Having white skin is a glaring enough difference here without being speckled with red dots!
This is so ridiculous to admit, but it even got to a point where I shied away from taking vitals for waiting patients, afraid that people would draw attention to my polka dotted arms. As I moped about with an attitude that reeked worse than the clinic garbages (which trust me, REALLY reek), my heart was gripped by a simple, convicting thought.
Do I truly value the appearance of my skin over the work that Jesus has called me to do? Am I so worried about some silly red bumps that I would refuse to show love to some beautiful people?! Most concerning... the biggest question of all.... would I allow a circumstance I couldn't control to dictate whether or not I would go on serving?
I don't want the answer to be yes. I am claiming my mosquito bites, and any other silly inconvenience I may happen upon, for Christ. I will choose to serve. I will choose to love. With every mosquito bite I count, I will thank God for something. I will desperately beg God for humility. and for perspective over silly things like mosquito bites! Finally, I will remember that I am not here to succeed, I am not here with any ability to change hearts or to fly around as a super nurse. I am here as a testimony of a broken person that God has redeemed. I am here to learn, and to grow, even to fail... I am here to trust God to come through in it all.
Praiseworthy news... Three people came to know the Lord through morning devo at the clinic Thursday morning :)
"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory which far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."
2 Corinthians 4:16-18
"Not that we are sufficient in outselves to claim anything as coming from us, but our sufficiency comes from God" 2 Corinthians 3:5
This is so ridiculous to admit, but it even got to a point where I shied away from taking vitals for waiting patients, afraid that people would draw attention to my polka dotted arms. As I moped about with an attitude that reeked worse than the clinic garbages (which trust me, REALLY reek), my heart was gripped by a simple, convicting thought.
Do I truly value the appearance of my skin over the work that Jesus has called me to do? Am I so worried about some silly red bumps that I would refuse to show love to some beautiful people?! Most concerning... the biggest question of all.... would I allow a circumstance I couldn't control to dictate whether or not I would go on serving?
I don't want the answer to be yes. I am claiming my mosquito bites, and any other silly inconvenience I may happen upon, for Christ. I will choose to serve. I will choose to love. With every mosquito bite I count, I will thank God for something. I will desperately beg God for humility. and for perspective over silly things like mosquito bites! Finally, I will remember that I am not here to succeed, I am not here with any ability to change hearts or to fly around as a super nurse. I am here as a testimony of a broken person that God has redeemed. I am here to learn, and to grow, even to fail... I am here to trust God to come through in it all.
Praiseworthy news... Three people came to know the Lord through morning devo at the clinic Thursday morning :)
"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory which far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."
2 Corinthians 4:16-18
"Not that we are sufficient in outselves to claim anything as coming from us, but our sufficiency comes from God" 2 Corinthians 3:5
1 comment:
Jess, you truly do have a beautiful heart. I love how you constantly turn over your struggles to Jesus, for His glory. Like the verses that you chose, not that there isn't a struggle, but it is all the more for the glory of God because of what you choose to do with it. I love and respect you so much! You are in my prayers as you serve in Haiti.
Also, Praise God!!! I am so happy for the opportunity that you have to witness, and to celebrate with the angels those who are coming to know Jesus!
I will continue to pray for you through the heat, sickness, mosquito bites (don't scratch!!! -- I have to, because I love you), the language (how is that, by the way??), and everything else I can think of!
<3 <3 May God bless you richly and abundantly
-- Emily
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